Some Londoners take coffee really seriously. They have Chemex filters, Aeropress machines and think nothing of spending £9.50 a luxury product in the modern metropolis, the London Evening Standard reported.

With so much choice, coffee is not only a pleasurable way to increase your productivity — it has become an index as to your personality, a bit like the band you wrote on your pencil case at school. Are you content with an EAT cappuccino? Or must it be a drip-filtered Monmouth?

Single-estate Ecuadorian organic aeropress black

You are very particular about your coffee but also proud of its no-nonsense serve — black, no sugar — which you feel reveals your essential decency.

Home-brew

You know that the smart consumer doesn’t pay for coffee — so you make your own with the care with which you once rolled your spliffs. “It works out so much cheaper than your daily latte order,” you boast to colleagues.

Skinny latte

The Diet Coke of coffee. Incidentally, skimmed is more fattening than whole milk, so the ritual self-denial is pointless.

Soya flat white

There are many who retain a mammalian fondness for dairy but are cursed by their digestive deficiencies.

Cappuccino

The original “fancy coffee order” has regained a certain no-nonsense retro chic, a bit like Christy Turlington or Nirvana. You aspire to dress in Céline, holiday in Rome, read Penguin Modern Classics and know only to order it for breakfast, never after dinner.

Instant

“Builder’s coffee”. White, two sugars. Said to be making a comeback in certain corners of Peckham and Hackney.

Hot chocolate

You think you’re virtuous by cutting out caffeine but actually you’ve just replaced it with sugar — which is literally worse than heroin.

Mocha

Initially, you never learned to like coffee, but lack the brazenness simply to order a hot chocolate.

Frappuccino

Double macchiato in a medium cup, hot milk, no foam

Single espresso

You aspire to Milanese cool, taking little bumps of caffeine much in the way you wish you could your women. In truth you are never quite satisfied, so always return to the coffee outlet for more, never quite figuring out that one double espresso is much cheaper than two singles.

Double half-caf extra hot soya nut latte

An English person is incapable of ordering this. I’m guessing you’re American.